In my own head, a series: part 1
I can’t even begin to tell you how much of my brain-power during a day goes to thinking about Elliot, his sleeping, eating, playing etc. I don’t typically think of myself as an anxious human but I do believe I have become a bit more anxious/intense since becoming a mom.
Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, it all started when we got our dog Molly. All of a sudden I’m this 27 year old who is in charge of another life. Granted, it was my dog but I still feel very much “in charge” of the day to day for her. Yes, I realize I treat my dog like my kid. But she depends on me!
So I think it all started then. And it heightened when the dog life turned into a human life that I am now in charge of. I constantly am wondering if I’m doing enough.
Am I doing enough tummy time? Am I doing enough rolling? Enough brain stimulation? Getting outdoors enough? Letting him kick enough? Letting him play alone enough? The list goes on and on.
I work. 5 days a week (soon to be 4). So 8-9 hours out of each day is out of my control because Elliot is at daycare. We LOVE our daycare. They do a fabulous job. But I still worry. Because I’m human. And a mom.
I think it comes with the territory. My sister and mom have told me that the worry never goes away but it changes. Meaning at some point, instead of worrying about developmental milestones and activities and schoolwork, you are now worried about driving, getting into college and being a self-sufficient adult. AH! Like that makes me feel better. Man. It’s just so interesting if you reflect back on pre-kids versus post-kid how different your life and YOU are. You think once you are an adult it’s hard to change. Some people say that people can’t change. I think that’s false. People can change when the right circumstances come around. We are adaptable. Sometimes, the change even happens without us realizing it. And that’s ok. It’s really cool that the adaptability of humans is such a second nature. Most of the times we don’t even think about the changes that are happening as they occur. Most times I just wake up one day and go “oh, well I never used to do that, that’s interesting”. It’s also true that you can be both: anxious and resistant to changes that are coming at times but also so open and willing to change.
You know what’s hard though? Not worrying. I try! I really do. I try not to think about it. I try not to check the daycare app. It’s like I have a third arm that reaches to my phone during work and refreshes the app just one more time to see if he ate or slept yet. That darn third-arm. Can’t it be more helpful and allow me to hold my kid while it makes dinner simultaneously?!
Anyways. This is just a short brain dump to say I see you. I also worry. I know it’s hard not to. And it’s ok. It’s normal. It will not go away but it will evolve. It just means you love your kid and you want what’s best for them. It means you care. It’s ok. It will get better.
